Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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