Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
