Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
