i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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