Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
