I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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