dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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