My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
