I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
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He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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