Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
