you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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