what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Randomize
