All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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