All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
