Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
