still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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