I think i sorta joined a cult last night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
