You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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