Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
