hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
