Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
