I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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