I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
