Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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