Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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