i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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