Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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