would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just had sex on a roof
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
