I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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