KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
