Michael Bay diarrhea
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
