it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
