My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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