Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
