Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
