Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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