Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
