it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
