oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
