my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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