I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
