I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
