Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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