worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
