we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
