John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
