she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
