Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
