I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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