2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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