Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
